hunger

Videos:  http://youtube.com/watch?v=JoC1ec-lYps&feature=related

Here's the crazy story behind the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Chx6s3qXKt4&feature=related

And, you might have seen this one:  http://youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

              “He is jealous for me”  

Again, I'm reminded of the movie, The Notebook. Picturing Noah spending every moment by his love's side reading their journal... and she, plagued by Alzheimer's, doesn't even know who he is. How painful. He never stops coming to her with their love story. All out of hope for even the most sparse and fleeting moments when she remembers.

What's heartbreaking about Noah and Allie in The Notebook is that Noah can't just tell Allie he loves her. He wants her to remember so much more than that. He wants her to remember that she loves him.

God is “our first love,” (Rev. 2:4) What does it look like for us to remember and walk in the truth that deep in our being we hunger for deep intimacy with Him?

He really is jealous for me -- (Exodus 34:14)

Here's more God has shown me about this:
 

               The Hunger

Our hunger for Him is implicit in our love story: “I am the bread of life: he who comes to Me shall not hunger, and he who believes in me shall never thirst.” John 6:35

Only He can satisfy our hunger, because He is what we were created to hunger for. What does it look like for us to accept that we hunger for God?

“I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be made complete.” -- John 15:11 Our joy is made complete in Him when we realize He is what we long for. We long to “remain in Him.”

We try so hard and then feel so guilty when we fail at loving God. And, if you think like me, you're thinking, yeah, but if I hunger for God, why do I obsess over things, or why am I so full of myself, or why do I feel like doing the wrong thing, or why do I feel nothing?

But the answer is not that we don't hunger for God anymore. First of all, feelings are are an unreliable indicator of truth even when it comes to the truth inside ourselves--the truth of our hunger.  If we are just looking for a feeling, we will always miss Him.  But, I also think that often the answer is that we simply forget. Somewhere in the noise, we let ourselves forget that what we really want, what we really hunger for is intimacy with Him.

So the question is, how do we remember?

               Remembering

Considering the noise level of our lives, I know we start by simply stopping. By just listening to Him. We trust that He is guiding us to that place of remembering despite how things feel. We lay down our frustration in wanting it to just happen already. We don't rush it. We don't let ourselves get distracted from it. We intentionally set out to be reminded.

And as we seek to listen to Him, through meditation, prayer, fasting, study, simplicity, solitude, submission, service, confession, worship, guidance, celebration, etc. we refuse to let those disciplines become law which brings death. And, we do that by constantly remembering that in themselves, the disciplines can do nothing. They are simply a means that God has given us to posture ourselves so that He can change us and bring us closer. “Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you...” (James 4:8) When we get away from the lies, and focus on, and live in the truth that sets us free, He works miracles in us. No matter what happens in the process, we know that He is drawing near and doing something good.  (Richard Foster, Celebration of Discipline)

              What's Between Us

Again, if you're like me, this doesn't necessarily feel good either. We come to God knowing that there may be some things between us that are keeping us from fully grasping intimacy with Him. We know this is especially true when we find life's circumstances sending us into deep anxiety or fear—a clear sign of our heart's forgetting its deepest longing and His immediate presence. David says in Psalms 139:23-24, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” I mean, that is a scary prayer. “God show me my sin! Show me all my junk!”

But... is it scary because we don't want God to know about it, or because we don't want to know about it? Sometimes we don't know about it, but if you're like me, you often do already know about it, but you just don't want to think about it because thinking about it brings guilt and anxiety and fear and it just hurts. Sometimes, my hesitation is compounded by the fact that I thought the issue was already dealt with, and why is God's bringing it up again? Until we let it come into the light, we will always be afraid of it, and it will continue to come between us and our true Love.

So often, when God brings up something that is between us, my first reaction is to feel like it's being rubbed in my face. The guilt just makes me want to run to something for relief!  It makes me want to just get my mind off of it altogether!

But God isn't mean. He wants to be closer. He knows that we want to be closer, even when we don't know it. And, to be closer, there are some things we have to let go of so that He can work on them. And, letting go begins with being ok with Him bringing it up and bringing it into His light to examine the heart of the issue as often as He feels necessary (1 John 1:7). I don't know about you, but for me letting go is not always a one time event. It's a process of letting go every week, every day, every hour, or sometimes... every few minutes. But God is always faithful to change our hearts at His perfect pace until we are free.  (Philippians 1:6; John 8:32; Galatians 5:1) 

In Matthew, Jesus tells His disciples that they are all going to fall away from Him. And Peter, he kinda freaks out. He tells Jesus, “Even though all may fall away because of You, I will never fall away.” He disagrees with Jesus. And Jesus responds, “Truly I say to you that this very night, before a cock crows, you shall deny Me three times.” And Peter and the rest of the disciples, it says, go on to absolutely insist that Jesus is wrong! (26:31-35)       Jesus... wrong...

What would it have looked like for them to accept what Jesus was saying? 

I'm not talking about accepting sin. What was Jesus really trying to tell them? Was he saying, “You jerks don't really love me,” or was he preparing them for it, so that it would not hinder them from rising up out of it? Was He kicking them to the curb, or inviting them to draw nearer? Was He condemning them, or inviting them into the process of His pursuit after their heart—into the journey that sometimes takes us places we don't want to go, but always brings us closer to Him.

(In Luke's account of this story (Luke 22:32), he notes Jesus telling Peter, “But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”-- He is clearly calling the disciples to rise up out of what is bound to happen, not condemning them.)

Why are we afraid to think through our junk with Him?   I'm always afraid of finding out that the heart of the issue is that I just don't love God enough... but what He is trying so desperately to show me... to remind me... is that I deeply hunger for intimacy with Him.  He wants me to remember that I really do love Him. He is my first love.

What would it look like to be relieved when God brings up something that is between us?  How about joyful?  (James 1:2)  What does it look like for us to pursue him as our first love? What would it look like to just let go and be pursued?  The process of redemption is meant to bring joy.

“Oh how he loves us.”

-Daniel

are you too picky?

People my age are more concerned with finding the perfect love than loving perfectly--or more realistically trying.  Compatibility is not as important as flexibility or even curiosity. 

Like a black hole, our dark and wicked hearts don't just selfishly suck life from others to leave them disappointed, they also trap the light of shining beauty of others and ourselves to leave us disappointed. 

In myself and every person I meet, there is a dark wickedness that will surface and leave me deeply disappointed.  Also in every person, there is an overwhelming Beauty that may surface.  If it does, and by the grace of God my own wicked heart does not block the view, it will hold my breath captive to be ransomed for an unattainable awe. 

To even have a chance, I must risk the inevitable to experience the extraordinary.

There is no hope in waiting for one that will not disappoint.  I'm better off trying to draw out Beauty by loving curiously.

Next time you are disappointed in the One who does not disappoint, consider the black hole in your chest, and hope in the curious love of a God who believes you were worth the risk of inevitable disappointment to have a chance to experience the extraordinary. 

Eight random facts about myself:

1. I always cook too much so I don't have to cook later.  I enjoy eating as much left-overs as I do fresh food. 
2. I own 68 books, not including textbooks, that have never been cracked open.  They were all gifts, mostly from one person.
3. In the year 2000, I assumed I would be an engineer.  In the year 2000, I considered only two options, music ministry, and aviation.  In the year 2000, I enrolled to be an engineer.  In the year 2000, I changed my major from engineering to Biblical Studies.  In the year 2001, I added a psychology minor.  In the year 2004, I decided to be a counselor.  In the year 2004, I decided to pursue music.  Right now, I'm looking back and obviously recognizing that I have no clue, BUT I plan to pursue music to its end.
4. I've attempted to write a song less than fifteen times in my life.  I've succeeded nine times.  I'm an aspiring musician.
5. I had a dream last night that I was sleeping just inches from the clouds high in the night sky.  Through the dark blue, some ominous clouds rolled in with webs of lightning crawling all over them.  Afraid of being electricuted, I decided that I'd rather roll of of my bed in the sky and fall towards the earth.  Instead of being scared, I found it even more enjoyable than skydiving--completely peaceful.  I talked to God the entire way as I looked for the best landing spot under the blue light of the moon.  As I neared the ocean below me, I noticed tiny islands and atolls, and decided to aim for the center of a lagoon.  When I hit, everything went black and I wondered to myself how deep the water was and if I was actually still alive.  When I tried to swim, I realized I was face down in only six inches of beautiful water.  I stood up on the white sand and, still feeling no pain, assumed I probably had a bloody nose because I landed on my face.  I did, but i didn't care because this atoll was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen under the moonlight.  Then the dream ended. 
6. Everything in my apartment -must- be sanitary, but my room is almost always scattered with piles of everything clean.
7. Brownies with walnuts are my favorite dessert, and I would only write this in hopes that you will make me some.
8. Yes, I HAVE been told that I look like Lance Armstrong, and YES it would probably be funny if I put on biker shorts and rode around waving to people and signing autographs.  You are hilarious.  I am sarcastic. 
9. Bonus: I often feel bad for being sarcastic because I am often mistaken for a mean person when truly, I just like making you laugh.

This note is about "true love"...

"Bono"-Time Magazine, Feb. 2002